11 Apr The great South African break-up: when the GNU needs couples therapy
The great South African break-up: When the GNU needs couples therapy
The drama within South Africa’s Government of National Unity (GNU) right now is like watching a messy divorce mediation unfold, except instead of fighting over who gets the couch, they’re arguing about VAT hikes and land expropriation. Let’s dive into this political soap opera and see how it hilariously mirrors the chaos of splitting up with your ex.
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The silent treatment
In a divorce mediation, one spouse might sit there glaring, refusing to speak, while the other passive-aggressively says things like, “Well, if you’d actually listen for once…” Sound familiar? That’s basically the ANC and DA right now. The ANC is trying to push through a budget, while the DA sits there like, “We’re not talking until you stop being shady.” Meanwhile, smaller parties are in the corner whispering like meddling in-laws: “You know, you could just leave them…”
It’s peak awkwardness. You can almost hear the mediator (or South African CEOs) saying, “Guys, can we PLEASE focus on the children—uh, I mean the economy?”
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Miscommunication on steroids
Divorce mediations are infamous for miscommunication: one spouse says something reasonable like, “I think we should split custody,” and the other hears, “I’m taking the kids AND your favourite coffee mug.” Similarly, in GNU meetings, someone suggests a policy adjustment, and suddenly it’s interpreted as a full-blown betrayal. The ANC accuses the DA of sabotaging unity; the DA accuses the ANC of plotting behind their back. It’s like arguing over who left the toilet seat up but with national consequences.
At this point, you half expect one party to storm out yelling: “You NEVER listen to me! I’m DONE!” Only to come back five minutes later because they forgot their car keys.
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The budget battle: Who gets what?
In divorce mediation, there’s always that fight over who gets what—who keeps the house? Who gets guardianship of the kids? Who takes the dog? In GNU terms, it’s more like: “Who controls fiscal policy? Who gets to raise taxes? And who takes responsibility for Eskom?”
The ANC is acting like that spouse who says, “I’ll take EVERYTHING because I’m clearly more responsible,” while the DA sits there rolling their eyes and muttering under their breath: “Sure, Karen.” Meanwhile, smaller coalition partners are basically that nosy friend chiming in with unsolicited advice: “Maybe you should just sell everything and start fresh?”
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The mediator’s nightmare
Imagine being a divorce mediator stuck between two people who refuse to compromise. Now imagine being Cyril Ramaphosa trying to hold this GNU together—it’s basically the same job. Every time he tries to calm things down with a diplomatic suggestion (“Let’s find common ground”), one side interrupts with: “Oh sure, take THEIR side again!” At this point, Cyril probably wishes he could just lock everyone in a room with snacks and say: “Nobody leaves until you sort this out!”
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Threats of walking out
In every messy divorce mediation, there’s always that moment where one spouse threatens to leave entirely: “I don’t need this! I’ll go find someone better!” That’s exactly what’s happening in the GNU right now. The DA is hinting at pulling out of the coalition like an ex threatening to move to Bali and start over. Meanwhile, the ANC is trying to guilt-trip them into staying: “If you leave now, think about what happens to the kids—I mean…the country!”
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Group chats gone wild
Imagine a divorce mediation group chat where the mediator (Cyril Ramaphosa) adds ANC, DA, and 10 smaller parties. The chaos:
- ANC: “Guys, let’s pass the budget. For the kids!”
- DA: “Lol no. Also, why is the EFF here? 👀”
- EFF: “WE DEMAND FREE LAND AND A VOICE NOTE FROM MALEMA!”
- Mediator Cyril: “Pls stay on topic.”
- IFP: Leaves chat. Rejoins. Leaves again.
- Outcome: The only thing agreed on is that “Seen by 15” is the worst feature ever invented.
Final thoughts
The GNU problems are basically a political version of “It’s not me; it’s YOU.” Both sides are stuck in a loop of blaming each other while everyone else (the public) sits there awkwardly pretending not to overhear their argument at dinner. At this rate, South Africans might need to step in as mediators themselves and say: “Guys…can we PLEASE stop fighting and focus on Eskom before we all end up sitting in candlelight this upcoming winter?”
The GNU’s communication skills are currently on par with a divorcing couple arguing over who forgot the DStv’s Wi-Fi login. The only solution? A nationally televised therapy session hosted by Trevor Noah, where everyone gets a vuvuzela to honk when they’re not being heard. Until then, South Africa remains stuck in the world’s most awkward group project—where everyone forgot the PowerPoint password.
If the GNU were a marriage, their divorce attorney would’ve quit, changed their name, and moved to Mauritius by now – the mediator would probably have stuck around to resolve the matter.
Compiled by Eugene Opperman (B.Proc. LLB.) (LSSA L.E.A.D., ADR Network, FAMAC, NABFAM), a legal practitioner and accredited mediator.