23 Jan Ten toxic phrases: what not to say in mediation
Ten toxic phrases: what not to say in mediation
Mediation offers a peaceful alternative to resolving conflict, a sanctuary from the adversarial chaos of the courtroom. However, despite its potential, even a single misstep, a poorly chosen word, can shatter the delicate dance of compromise and reignite discord. As participants turn to mediation with the best of intentions, there are some who unknowingly sabotage the process with their words, leading to an unsuccessful outcome. In this vulnerable space, certain phrases have the power to detonate trust and goodwill.
So, before venturing into the arena of mediation, equip yourself with the knowledge of what not to say.
- “There’s no way I’ll ever agree to that.”
Collaboration and ultimatums are two polar opposite approaches. Imposing strict demands shuts down the potential for negotiation, leaving no room for compromise. This rigid declaration slams the door on negotiation, offering the other party nothing but a brick wall to contemplate. Remember, mediation thrives on flexibility and openness to exploring possibilities, even those initially unsettling. In mediation, adaptability and a willingness to explore all options are key.
- “It’s all their fault; this wouldn’t be happening if they weren’t such a…”
Pointing fingers and placing blame serves no purpose in mediation, no matter how justified it may seem. Such confrontational language only breeds animosity and hinders constructive communication. Instead, focus on finding solutions that address the underlying issue without assigning fault.
- “I don’t care what you say, I’m getting what I deserve.”
This self-entitled pronouncement reeks of a “winner-takes-all” mentality, antithetical to the spirit of mediation. It’s not a competition to see who comes out as the winner, but rather a search for a mutual understanding and a fair resolution for all parties involved. Remember, the goal is to reach a conclusion that satisfies everyone and allows their voices to be heard.
- “Fine, do it your way. I’m out of here.”
Threatening to abandon the process is like playing with fire. While walking away is always an option, this petulant outburst undermines the seriousness of your commitment to finding a solution and can be interpreted as a sign of bad faith.
- “This is pointless. We’ll just end up in court anyway.”
Negativity breeds negativity. Having doubts about the process from the start can be counterproductive and undermines the mediator’s ability to guide the parties towards reconciliation. It is important to maintain a positive mindset and be willing to embrace the potential for growth, even when the path ahead may appear uncertain.
- “My lawyer says…”
Seeking advice from legal counsel is a wise decision, however, continuously bringing their advice into mediation discussions can contribute to a hostile atmosphere. Keep in mind that the goal of mediation is to come to a mutual understanding, not to create barriers with legal positions. It’s important to seek guidance, when necessary, but the focus should be on direct communication and finding common ground. It’s not uncommon for one to say, “my lawyer told me I’m entitled to…” However, it’s important to remember that while your lawyer can provide information on the laws and potential outcomes in court, they cannot predict the outcome of mediation. Ultimately, the agreements made in mediation are solely yours and do not reflect the opinions of others.
- “I can’t trust them, they always lie.”
Having preconceived notions of deceit can damage the core of open communication. If there is deep mistrust, it’s important to directly and transparently express your concerns. Seek clarification and assurances instead of making accusatory allegations.
- “I’m not making any concessions until they…”
Conditional bargaining sets unhealthy preconditions for progress. Using conditional bargaining can hinder progress. In mediation, it’s important to give and take. Be open to making concessions without expecting immediate reciprocation. Have trust that working together will ultimately lead to a fair outcome.
- “This whole thing is ridiculous. What a waste of time.”
Showing disrespect towards the mediation process and the other party will only lead to failure. It’s crucial to be mindful of your language and behavior, treating everyone with respect and professionalism, even when emotions are high.
- “Take it or leave it, this is my final offer.”
Deadlines and ultimatums have no place in the fluid negotiation of mediation. It is more beneficial to present your offer as a starting point for open and productive discussion, allowing for refinement and potential solutions beyond your initial boundaries. Mediators have often heard the phrase, “If you don’t agree to my terms, I’ll take this to court. I’m confident I’ll get my desired outcome.” However, this statement undermines the purpose of mediation, which is to work together and reach a compromise. In essence, it renders the possibility of finding a middle ground and resolving issues impossible. A helpful tip in mediation is to remember that no one can predict the decision of a judge in court.
Beyond the words
While these words hold great sway in the mediation process, it is important to remember that effective communication encompasses more than just verbal expression. Non-verbal cues such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions are also integral to conveying a message.
Maintaining an open mind, actively listening, and being mindful of these non-verbal cues can greatly contribute to successful communication. In mediation, the power of words is evident. Selecting them thoughtfully and utilizing them wisely can lead to understanding and resolution, while carelessly chosen words can derail the process entirely.
However, by avoiding toxic phrases and embracing honest and respectful communication, as well as a willingness to compromise, you can confidently navigate through mediation and increase the likelihood of achieving a peaceful and mutually beneficial outcome. In the midst of conflict, the right words can make all the difference.
Written by Eugene Opperman (B.Proc. LLB.) (LSSA L.E.A.D., ADR Network, FAMAC) , a legal practitioner at Oppermans Inc. and accredited mediator. 23 January 2024