Assertion without Aggression: Non-Violent Communication in Mediation

Mediation, as an effective problem-solving mechanism outside of an adversarial environment, often finds itself in the context of a round-table discussion where participants work as a group to resolve a particular issue. In such a group context, participants often practice honesty and may blindly react to certain statements or unpleasant situations by exposing other participants to every annoyance, frustration or anger that is triggered within them.

Issues of aggressive communication

Such violent communication may be the result of unintentional behaviour, such as “boundary setting” or an attempt at “protecting yourself”. This is often the case in persons with prior trauma, where strict boundaries may be set in an attempt to take back control of life and protect yourself, all of which a traumatic experience may strip of a person. Such strict honesty is typically seen in the culmination of stressful situations and a lack of being heard or having your view respected, which victims of trauma often suffer from. Conversely, minority participants may submit to such violent communication and fail to have their views effectively voiced and/or heard.

A participant to mediation with such brutally honest communication and strict boundaries may experience joy in the feeling that their needs are being heard, while failing to see that their needs may be voiced at the expense of others. In such instance a party conflates assertiveness with aggressiveness, thereby missing the goalpost of compassionate communication during mediation. Therefore, a trauma-informed and non-violent approach to voicing the needs of mediation participants are important to ensure that an empathetic road is followed in reaching a resolution.

Cultivating compassionate communication

Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is a method aimed at increasing empathy and sustaining respect, based on the principles of nonviolence and equality. This person-centered mode of communication was developed by clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s and 1970s. It proposes the following systematic steps in voicing complex expressions with assertion, without aggression:

1. 1. 1. Observation/ Fact: The first step involves making clear and specific observations about a factual situation without judgement. Observations are based on concrete and observable facts rather than interpretations or evaluations. This helps to avoid blame and focuses on describing the situation objectively.

1. 1. 2. Feeling: After making observations, individuals identify and express their feelings related to the situation. It is important to use feeling words that describe emotions rather than thoughts. This step helps participants connect with their emotions and understand how their needs are or are not being met.

1. 1. 3. Need: Next, the individual identifies the needs or values that underlie their feelings. By recognizing and articulating their needs, they can better understand what is important to them in a given situation. Needs are universal and relate to basic human requirements such as autonomy, connection, understanding, and security.

1. 1. 4. Request: The final step involves making clear and positive requests for specific actions that might help meet one’s needs. Requests are not demands but are framed in a way that allows the other person to respond willingly. This step is about finding mutually satisfying solutions to address the needs of all parties involved.

These steps of non-violent communication may be used by participants in a mediation to frame their statements in a systemic manner, to foster an environment of empathetic diligence and understanding. Mediators can also make use of this model to navigate complex shuttle mediations and effectively represent the views of participants to each other.

Other benefits of non-violent communication include:

■ Encouraging active listening and non-judgmental expression, fostering a safe space for trauma survivors to share without fear.

■ Creates a non-threatening atmosphere, reducing the risk of triggering distressing memories or emotions during mediation.

■ Helps individuals become more aware of their emotions and needs, promoting better self-regulation.

■ Avoids adversarial language, minimizing the chance of re-traumatizing individuals in mediation.

■ Assists in identifying and expressing emotions, facilitating emotional regulation for trauma survivors.

■ Promotes a collaborative approach, bridging gaps in understanding and working towards mutually beneficial solutions.

■ Builds trust and understanding, contributing to long-term healing and reconciliation in relationships.

Written by Caro Opperman (LLB) (ADR Network), a law graduate and junior accredited mediator. 19 January 2024.